In All The World Only One

I had the absolute pleasure of hanging out with Marisa and her roommate, Elsa, early on Saturday night as they baked up a storm of awesome holiday cookies, with the delightful company of Chris Lea and Ms. Poppy, the little one Marisa has helped to raise for the past 3 years.

As I seem to have a knack for doing with all little kids in the 2-6 age range (probably because that is secretly my maturity level), Poppy and I bro-ed down, I shared my love for Prince with her, she shared her love for The Grinch Who Stole Christmas with me, we decorated a tree, ate a few cookies, it was really good times.

But as I struggled to make 4-year-old conversation (I’m a little out of practice), I asked Poppy what she wanted for Christmas she said a new goldfish, because her last one, Dorothy, died. She then asked me what I wanted and I made something unmemorable up, she proceeded to go around the room asking everyone what they wanted, and when she asked Marisa, the most awesome, truthful answer came out, “I want a husband, Honey.”

I didn’t think much of Marisa’s answer, other than it being super cute and funny and all, until I relayed the story to D over drinks and he asked me, “So is that what you want - a husband for Christmas? Of course my knee jerk response was to say “No!,” but the more I think about it, I wonder - is that what I want?

I mean I do enjoy all the perks relationships have to offer (ie. a good support system, someone to wake up with in the morning, consistent companionship, best of all, crazy condom-free sex that you can’t really have in casual relationships because you’d probably be branded a freak, etc.) and in former years I was quite good at the whole logistics of girlfriending, you know being nurturing, loving and fostering the growth of an “us” instead of just a “me.” - But a husband? That’s a serious commitment.

Although, the gravity of the union is the draw, right? The fact that it is (theoretically) forever, and because it is so substantial a commitment you can take bold action that you might not be able to do successfully otherwise like co-habitation, buying a home, having children, and anything else that it takes the security of knowing your partner will be around for a while to do. So I guess a part of me does want all that stuff and a part of me does want it now - A home, a family of my own, a dog, etc.

But what I don’t want is to jump into a relationship with all these expectations and wishes in mind, only to find out that this desperate desire for stability is really making me “put the cart before the horse.” I fear if I were to have a husband now (and this is probably a large portion of the rational as to why I don’t even have a boyfriend) I might just use him as a means to an end, when ideally I want to be crazy enough about him that he is the end, and the kids, home and dog are all gravy.

It has always seemed to me the happiest families I know are the ones built upon a solid marriage, with an almost fairytale love story at its core. Sadly, it takes the wonderings of a four year old to make me come to this conclusion, which is probably the most romantic thing my cynical head has thought in a long time.